Bob Dylan once said that “Destiny is a feeling you have that
you know something about yourself nobody else does. The picture you have in
your own mind of what you're about WILL COME TRUE. It's a kind of a thing you
kind of have to keep to your own self, because it's a fragile feeling, and you
put it out there, then someone will kill it. It's best to keep that all
inside.”
In an age of technological rubbish and social control, child
manipulation and political turmoil, it becomes more and more apparent to me how
that old Kerouac trip seems more necessary now than when it actually happened.
In the Beat era though, it was still the blooming of a nation, a government
still trying to figure out how to control citizens. Unfortunately, now they’ve
figured it out after 60 years: give everyone really nifty, intuitive cell
phones. Not just a cell phone, though…but a tracking device, a statistic calculator,
a heap of distractions, bright colors, and seemingly convenient and
groundbreaking functionality.
From a personal point of view, I am at an age of 25, an age
that becomes more important and crucial as you approach 26. What have I done?
Well, I went to high school, formed some deep musical and personal friendships,
moved up to the mountains with a girl
for 2 years, came back to my home town, played gigs, moved to Nashville for a
year, got in with a band, played some gigs, and then I lost my job. And where
do you go from there? Do you stick around Nashville? Do you head home? Do you
curl up and die?
My idea of my destiny never comes out of my head. Like Bob
Dylan says, as soon as you open up to someone else about it, your perception of
it can change with negative judgment, so it’s best just to shut up about it and
keep people on their toes and guessing. It isn’t worth your insecurities.
So what have I decided? Well, as much as I love the city of
Nashville and the southern pace, I might be heading home soon. One thing I do
know for sure: from now on, I’m never signing a lease with somebody else. Sorry; will never happen again. I always feel
guilty when I want to up and leave, which is one thing a human is always able
to do, no matter what anyone says. This is the second time I’ve found myself in
such a predicament. When I told him about my yearning to get home, a wise
friend told me, “Never sign a lease. The word sounds too much like leash. They’ll have you by the balls.”
And he’s right. But in the long run, a lease holds no candle
to what your heart desires. My heart desires the company of close friends,
family, my homeland, and a little bit of ambition and perseverance. I just
cannot get that down here. I have Drew, and I’ve made some friends, but there’s
no family, and your ambition and perseverance get severed by the competition
and standards of Downtown Nashville and Music Row (the latter being virtually
extinct due to consumer recording innovations). It’s a wasteland. It’s an
established standard and formula. There’s no room for innovation.
Culturally, it’s a fine city. Nashville is one of the best
nightlife scenes I’ve ever experienced, anywhere. But once you get outside the
city, where do you go? There’s only a 10 square-mile radius of city offshoots,
and then you’re headed into the sticks. That can be great for an established
band. But for a band that’s settling there and starting from the ground up, you’re
going to run out of gigs. You’ll need to go on tour, paying out of your
asshole.
My thoughts drift to Henry David Thoreau, a true hero of
mine and a historical symbol of New England independence. He said that you
never really had to go too far from your hometown to discover the secrets and
wonders of life, in his case, being the thousands of species of flora and
animals in the area. Sometimes it’s not so good to think outside the box.
Sometimes it’s better to look at the Big Picture. Outside the Box and The Big
Picture are two completely different things.
Maybe sometimes, you’re better off where you’re comfortable,
because if you’re comfortable there, why seek to be comfortable elsewhere? A
lot of people aren’t comfortable with where they came from; either they grow
bored of the geography because to them it seems there’s “nowhere to go”, “no
one to see” and “nothing to do”, so they take off and pursue their endeavors
elsewhere. And that’s fine; that’s genius. But for me, it takes getting away
from New England to realize that I belong there, that I’m comfortable there,
and that I have the best chances of making a career there.
My destiny points to the North. I’ve always heard it’s all
about who you know, and I know more folks than I can count up there. This isn’t
the 60’s; I can’t just move somewhere and expect to be somebody else,
especially when living with a lifelong friend. By somebody else, I just mean
rebooting your drive and focusing on being ambitious and making things happen.
It’s so much harder when you start from scratch. Whereas up in New England, I’m
connected; it’ll happen faster. At this point in my life, at the crucial and
breaking-point age of 25, this is the option I’m taking, because it’s
realistic, it intrigues me, and it makes me feel good.
Destiny isn’t about pushing it to the limit. Destiny is tied
into your instincts. You are in control of your destiny, but little things pop
up that you can’t really explain that have a tendency to stop you in your
tracks and make you think; these pop-ups are incredibly important. I find that
usually, it’s best to just roll with whatever. You can decide to turn around
later. You always have a choice, and you can always walk away. You might get in
trouble, you might get hurt, you might lose some money, but at least you went
with the flow. You’re not sitting on a shitty couch in a shitty apartment
thinking, “Man, I should’ve gone with that deal”, and instead you’re thinking, “I
did the best I could. I wonder what’s next.”
It’s all how you look at it. I think Forrest Gump was right
when he said life is a little bit of both; it’s a mixture of having a destiny
written for you, and having the ability to control that destiny. You have to
trust your feelings; they’re given to you by God (or whoever runs this place).
If you don’t trust your feelings, you’re flipping God the bird.
Whatever happens, happens, through the natural course of
time. You are a variable in this string of time. You decide what happens next,
but there will be those feelings. And there will be times when your heart tugs
harder on your soul than the rationale of the mind, and although it may seem
far-fetched, you must trust your heart. For instance, I would rather be
surrounded by 200 friends and family, than three band members who have no idea
where I’m from. I would rather sit by a murky pond in May when I can still see
my breath, rather than a stifling, humid river among sweaty southerners. The
early summer is beautiful, but it doesn’t mean it taps into who I really am,
and where I came from.
I like the southern vibe; I like sitting outside and getting
sweaty and tired from just sitting there; I like the music; but I don’t like
the attitude. I was brought up in a fast-thinking, fast-moving society, and I
can’t help but feel out of place here. Everyone down here is in no hurry to get
anywhere. And when I look at myself, I’m in a hurry to do things and get things
done! IT WILL NOT GET DONE DOWN HERE.
So, still in Tennessee, amongst feelings of angst and
yearning to hit the road up the East coast, I’ll say my goodbyes with a lump in
my throat and head out just like Stosh would’ve done. We all have ticking
clocks, just like he did. My clock is reaching the stroke of midnight. And
after midnight, we’re gonna let it all hang out.
